Health....Its a lesson learned...

Finally got into the rheumatologist to get my crazy unhealthy body checked out. Needless to say I was poked, prodded, blood drawn and even xrayed. I felt like a pin cushion by the time I was done. Thankfully, DJ was there with me through the thick and thin of it all.

Fast forward a week and a half. They called about my Xray results. Seems I have degenerative arthritis(Osteoarthritis) in my knees, along with misaligned kneecaps. I am being sent for physical therapy. Fun.fun.f.u.n. Right?!

Then today they called with the bloodwork concerning my thyroid levels. As always, my thyroid is out of wack and they are concerned about it and mentioned something about enlarged thyroid and nodules. So I am off to get an ultrasound. Should I panic yet? Inside I am. Outside I am trying to stay calm. Although the tears you see today are just from sheer frustration of my body nonstop hurting, my migraines never ending, and the unknowing of wtf is wrong with my body.

My biggest obstacle that has been haunting me forever is my weight. Its finally starting to rear its ugly head and show many reasons why I need to lose it. Bottom line, I am getting the gastric bypass surgery. Hubby and I discussed it again, and its something I have to do for myself, my health, and my well being. So here I go again on this massive roller coaster, but yet, this time I know when to hold on, and when to just scream my brains out.

So here we go again...

After not having internet for like a month or so, I am back and the withdrawls are finally subsiding. :) I will say that my weight is fluctuating around 319 lbs! GO ME!

I have contacted VCU Weight Loss Surgery Center though and am going to go ahead and try for the GBP Surgery YET again. Lets see how this adventure goes!

Mentally I am breaking down all over the place, but I truely think this is due to alot of reason's. I cannot go into all of them here, but someday I might. ;)

omg its dropping off again!

I went to the Dr. this past monday. I weighed in at 326. Wed. night I went to the Dr. and I weighed in at 322!!!!! I restarted my meds last week and I am feeling much more stable, and in control of my appetite!

YAY ME!!!

Depression isn't helping things...

So our health insurance sucks A$$ and I am paying for it in more ways than one. We are allowed to fill a prescription once at the local store, and then after that, it needs to be sent into Express Scripts (or as I call them lovingly, Slow Fuck Up Scripts). Anyhow, I digress.... At the moment, I am without my anti-depressants, my diabetes meds, and my fibro meds. Which in turn is turning me into a raving lunatic. :(

*sighs softly* I am over sensitive, cranky, bitchy, and feel like a water retaining sea cow. PMS is not helping either though. GAH!

I want to eat everything in site. NOM NOM NOM! Although, I am trying to eat my yogurt, drink my water, and not sit on my arse all day.

Let's hope that my meds get here ASAP! Cause I might just go loco on someone :(

Back on track!

Today I headed over to Border's bookstore while they were having their going out of business sale. I ended up coming out of there with 2 new books.

I got a food/exercise tracker called : Flat Belly Diet Journal by Liz Vaccariello, editor in chief of Prevention. Its all about writing your way to a flatter belly. I am truely hoping that this can get me through the rough spots, and show me where I go wrong with my eating.

The other book I got is called : feeling fat,fuzzy or frazzled? by Richard Shames, MD. and Karilee Shames, Ph.D., R.N. This book is about jump starting your thyroid in 5 days. Its a 3 step program. I have hypothyroid and probably have since I was little. Just noone ever checked it. They just kept telling my mom I would have a "growth spurt" although the only growing I did was outwards, and not upwards!

Lately I have been thinking alot more about the gastric bypass surgery. I know that in the long run that its a quick fix, but that my mental state of mind needs to be in better check. I am working on that. SLOWLY. but surely. Till then I will try different ways of losing weight.

Today I am feeling: Happy
Today my body is feeling: sore and achey

Tomorrow can only get better.

.....blegh....

Being on "vacation" is not good for ones diet/weightloss/etc. You snack, eat, drink, and be lazy :P

Today is the wake for DJs grandma. The immediate family has arrived. Now the fun begins /sarcasm. :( Funerals depress me more than anyone knows. It brings back memories of my momma dying. I can relive the day of her funeral over and over in my head. And my heart breaks over and over :(

I know that for most of you, this was a weightloss blog, but honestly, I am not losing weight at this moment. But guess what, I am going to post what I want here no matter what :P

Ugh...

So DJ's grandma is dying. :( She has stopped eating and drinking. She refuses to do anything. I am heartbroken for my husband and his family. But do I really want to drive to Illinois for the funeral? Not really.

Am I a monster for thinking this way? Its just that it takes 2 days to get there. Then go through the whole funeral/wake/etc. stuff. Then 2 days drive home. All with 2 boys that are at the lets fight over everything age :(

I am just not sure I can handle the stress to be honest. *sighs softly*

Weight? What?

So its been a while since I stepped on the scale. I sorta put it in hiding so not to obsess, then I just totally forgot about it completely. :P Guess I will start back to my world of weighing in tomorrow.

Something has to give, might as well be my weight :P

I do feel good lately. I am finally sleeping better. Last night was a good nights sleep. Although I woke up tired. Does that make sense?

Last night we had a good talk with the kids about how things are going to change..for the better at the new house. Not sure why it has to be at the new house, but DJ and I feel like its a new beginning, a fresh start. So we want to change alot of things in the whole process. One being more exercise and less sitting on our butt time.

Tofer was not happy about that, but I am truely worried about his weight. He is built like me. And I am scared he is going to end up obese. Not a good thought. :(

Dustin is fine with it because if I let him, the kid would live outside, well, except that his fear of bees and wasp turn him into a screaming little girl.

So needless to say, change is a'comin! And for the better I must say.

Future's So Bright...I gotta wear...shades?

My father contacted me tonight of facebook. I haven't seen him in person in 14 years. I talked to him on the phone about 10 years ago to tell him about my mom dying. Since then..nothing.

Let's just say I am trying my hardest to not go headfirst into this new found relationship with my father. He broke my heart badly so many years ago, and through therapy I was able to work through things and forgive him in my heart and mind.

Now I am just terrified of him hurting me all over again... Can the future hold bright things for me and him? We shall see..till then, I will put on the shades and leave the rose colored glasses alone.

Good Weather...Good Mood?

I really believe I suffer from the whole weather depression thingymabob. I am such a freaking wench when the weather is dark and brooding. But when its sunny and chipper out, I am a different person.

Now if only I could find a job. Lose weight. And get moved into the new house. I would be on top of the world.

No matter what though... I love my life and the people in it.

where have I been?

I dunno, but I am back. I am tired of my life and how I am leading this sad and awful example with my kids. They are getting heavy, and its scaring the shit outta me. I have to take my life back. I have to do something about this.

Setting some new small goals.

Lose 5 pounds by the end of March.
Stop being such a mean bitch to my kids.
Stop sleeping my days away.
Find a fucking hobby! :)

Weigh In...

Down to 316.1 pounds.