Peering over the edge

I have depression. Is it fun? No, not really. It tends to creep up on me and I find myself losing ground fast. Especially during times when I run out of my meds, and it looks great when I peer over the edge. Cold turkey is not for me.

I am trying to work, but EVERY.LITTLE.THING seems to make me spin into a crying fit, or so angry I wanna smash someone or something.

Is this healthy? No. But unfortanately, using Express Scripts is not easy for us. You have to pay for 3 months of scripts at one time for EACH script you submit. And if you know me, I am a walking pharmacy. So my bills get high. :(

Alls I did yesterday was cry, feel completely and utterly angry, and had this feeling of complete hopelessness. Even when walking I couldn't seem to find my peace that I so enjoy. I just wanted to pound the ground with my feet, listen to loud obnoxious music, and close me eyes to the world. Which incidentally doesn't work well when walking down a dirt road.

My sister, whom I love so dearly, has been super patient with me. Even when I was a total cranky bitch yesterday on the phone. She is trying so hard to give me ideas, and love. I just honestly don't care about anything right now.

I am finding that my sleeping at night is suffering. I am so exhausted, I get in bed, and alls I do is toss, turn, think, toss, turn, think. Its this horrible pattern. I just wanna get off this merry go round. :( If I could crawl into bed right now. I would, but unfortanately I have to work. I have to get this done before PT this afternoon.

Instead I will sit here, cry, and try not to think of the craptastic day ahead.

omg its dropping off again!

I went to the Dr. this past monday. I weighed in at 326. Wed. night I went to the Dr. and I weighed in at 322!!!!! I restarted my meds last week and I am feeling much more stable, and in control of my appetite!

YAY ME!!!

Depression isn't helping things...

So our health insurance sucks A$$ and I am paying for it in more ways than one. We are allowed to fill a prescription once at the local store, and then after that, it needs to be sent into Express Scripts (or as I call them lovingly, Slow Fuck Up Scripts). Anyhow, I digress.... At the moment, I am without my anti-depressants, my diabetes meds, and my fibro meds. Which in turn is turning me into a raving lunatic. :(

*sighs softly* I am over sensitive, cranky, bitchy, and feel like a water retaining sea cow. PMS is not helping either though. GAH!

I want to eat everything in site. NOM NOM NOM! Although, I am trying to eat my yogurt, drink my water, and not sit on my arse all day.

Let's hope that my meds get here ASAP! Cause I might just go loco on someone :(

Pre-Op wellness and fitness class...

So on Thursday, July 22nd, I went to just one of the many preop classes I need to go to. I dropped off DJ, dropped off the kids and headed through the tunnel to get to SNGH in Norfolk. I got there about 2 hours before my class because I was hoping to get in the lab and get my pre-op blood work, EKG, and Xray done. Thankfully, I had 10 minutes to spare to get to my class and I was done with yet another thing.

The class was interesting, we went through stretching, warm-ups, cardio and strength training. :) It was very informative. They gave us free pedometer's, free dumbbells, and a whole lotta information :)

Something else I accomplished that day was getting over one of my biggest fears ever. Going to the other peninsula by myself. Let's just say that I am not a big fan of Norfolk. I find it dirty, scarey, and just downright frightening. This only happened after I was held up at gunpoint in 2007. Anytime we go that way, I have PTSD and freak out internally. I am much more relaxed when DJ is with me, because he's my protector :D

Oh, before I forget, they called me friday with my bloodwork results. My Vitamin D is slightly low, and my TSH levels are out of this world. A normal person's thyroid is between 0.04 and 4.0. Mine is at 26.5. :( Not good. So they want me to get into my PCP and get on a higher dose of meds. :( This is going to delay me at least another month. But I did go to Sam's club and bought the big bottle of Vitamin D, and Calcium tablets. HOLY COW, calcium pills are GIGANTIC!!! *giggles* I didn't know if I could even swallow the suckers!!!

At any rate, I am moving in the right direction. Let's just hope it keeps going that way :)