So the weightloss surgery is out. I have gotten down to 292 and am feeling alright. I started this journey eons ago, and my highest weight was 344. I think I can do this on my own. I am back to working on going completely gluten free. I won't lie, I cheat, and I pay for it. Its not a fun time.
I know that I have lost inches for sure. I went from 30/32 to 26/28 to 22/24. My goal is a 14!!! I am slowly making my way there.
Back on July 3rd, 2012 I had a Merina IUD inserted due to my periods being out of control. Theinsertion was quite painful, and I had forgotten to take some meds before hand. Afterwards, there was some light bleeding, cramping, and the usual. Thankfully, it stopped after a few days, and everything seemed to be going well. Then BAM! I was hit with double over pain, severely harsh bleeding, and blood clots.
After 3 weeks, I ended up going to the ER because I was feeling extremely weak and nauseated. I went in and found out I was slightly dehydrated, borderline anemic, and that I had a severe kidney infection. I was sent home with some scripts, and told to be on bed rest for the next 3 to 4 days. Seems gravity is not good for severe bleeding. Go figure (insert sarcasm).
At any rate, I ended up having it removed the following Monday, and then put on anti-bleeding meds called Megestrol . Little did I know that this medication has some SEVERE side effects when taking it. All of which seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks 3 to 4 days into taking it. Sure, not bleeding was nice, but having chest pains that required me to call 911, was just NOT fun at all.
So now we are here in August, about to hit September soon, and I have been on 2 sets of antibiotics, the megestrol, and my hormones are ALL freaking whacked out. All of this has lead to me not losing a damn pound. Oh sure, I have lost the same 10 pounds about 40 times. But I am sitting at 300 pounds. I just cannot seem to budge. So needless to say, I called VCU Weight Loss Surgery Center to talk to my case manager and find out what I can do to move forward. I am still required to get as close to the 285 as I possibly can. And I also need a couple things faxed to them by some prior specialists I have dealt with.
So in the end, I gave my 2 week notice to my job. Yeah, it sucks. But in the end, it wasn't fair to keep calling in to my job, and having other people pick up my slack. :( I mean, even today I wasn't able to go in due to a sinus infection, and double ear infections. I felt horrible calling in. But I feel like my heads going to explode. So needless to say, I am done.
I'm going to visit the YMCA when we return from our trip. I am also going to seriously look into signing up with Weight Watchers Online. I also need to remember to keep updating MyFitnessPal.
So that's the gist of what has been going on. If anyone has any advice, please feel free to let me know whatcha think....
I have depression. Is it fun? No, not really. It tends to creep up on me and I find myself losing ground fast. Especially during times when I run out of my meds, and it looks great when I peer over the edge. Cold turkey is not for me.
I am trying to work, but EVERY.LITTLE.THING seems to make me spin into a crying fit, or so angry I wanna smash someone or something.
Is this healthy? No. But unfortanately, using Express Scripts is not easy for us. You have to pay for 3 months of scripts at one time for EACH script you submit. And if you know me, I am a walking pharmacy. So my bills get high. :(
Alls I did yesterday was cry, feel completely and utterly angry, and had this feeling of complete hopelessness. Even when walking I couldn't seem to find my peace that I so enjoy. I just wanted to pound the ground with my feet, listen to loud obnoxious music, and close me eyes to the world. Which incidentally doesn't work well when walking down a dirt road.
My sister, whom I love so dearly, has been super patient with me. Even when I was a total cranky bitch yesterday on the phone. She is trying so hard to give me ideas, and love. I just honestly don't care about anything right now.
I am finding that my sleeping at night is suffering. I am so exhausted, I get in bed, and alls I do is toss, turn, think, toss, turn, think. Its this horrible pattern. I just wanna get off this merry go round. :( If I could crawl into bed right now. I would, but unfortanately I have to work. I have to get this done before PT this afternoon.
Instead I will sit here, cry, and try not to think of the craptastic day ahead.
I find myself wondering why people like me... obviously I am mean, cruel, mouthy, rude, and have little to offer.
Or so they think.... I am a true friend, I try my hardest to give them my love, my ear, my heart. What more can I give? I need something for myself right?
I am sitting here crying, listening to a song I found that fits me perfectly...
No I am not perfect, yes I have a potty mouth, no I don't like to conform to your thoughts and opinions, yes I am who I am.
I ate a salad today for breakfast, I had some steamed asparagus for a snack, I am drinking my sugar free lemonade type water stuff... hell I even went on an angry power walk, listening to music that was pushing me forward, feeling like I was hurtling through time.
Is that enough? I dunno, but its gonna have to be...
So I have walked 3 times this past week. I have eaten REALLY well. And I ended up losing 4 pounds so far. only 22 more to go!!! I am so super excited, I actually found myself obsessing about walking, I wanted to walk more, and more, and more. But sadly, I am having ALOT of pelvic, hip and calf pain. I am hoping that with doing my physical therapy next week will help me along. My goal is to walk EVERYDAY, unless its downpouring. I got a new cell phone and I put a bunch of MP3s on it. I found myself literally dancing/bouncing down the dirt road the other day <3 Teehee! I must have been quite the sight. But really, who gives a rats ass, I am doing this for myself and not for anyone else.
I was with my sister and bro in law to be the other day at the outlet mall in Williamsburg, and I realized that someday soon I could be wearing some of these cute clothes they sell there. I was literally squeeling within my brain! :) *giggles* I know that seems so weird to some, but to someone who has been thinner, and is now heavier, you know exactly what you are missing out on in the wardrobe part of your life.
I look forward the most to wearing the pretty bras from VS, or whatnot. Oh and to wear a pair of jeans that don't make me look like I have a penis would be SPECTACULAR!
Anyhow, thats my latest update. Not much to report, but for me, its been a great week!