Peering over the edge

I have depression. Is it fun? No, not really. It tends to creep up on me and I find myself losing ground fast. Especially during times when I run out of my meds, and it looks great when I peer over the edge. Cold turkey is not for me.

I am trying to work, but EVERY.LITTLE.THING seems to make me spin into a crying fit, or so angry I wanna smash someone or something.

Is this healthy? No. But unfortanately, using Express Scripts is not easy for us. You have to pay for 3 months of scripts at one time for EACH script you submit. And if you know me, I am a walking pharmacy. So my bills get high. :(

Alls I did yesterday was cry, feel completely and utterly angry, and had this feeling of complete hopelessness. Even when walking I couldn't seem to find my peace that I so enjoy. I just wanted to pound the ground with my feet, listen to loud obnoxious music, and close me eyes to the world. Which incidentally doesn't work well when walking down a dirt road.

My sister, whom I love so dearly, has been super patient with me. Even when I was a total cranky bitch yesterday on the phone. She is trying so hard to give me ideas, and love. I just honestly don't care about anything right now.

I am finding that my sleeping at night is suffering. I am so exhausted, I get in bed, and alls I do is toss, turn, think, toss, turn, think. Its this horrible pattern. I just wanna get off this merry go round. :( If I could crawl into bed right now. I would, but unfortanately I have to work. I have to get this done before PT this afternoon.

Instead I will sit here, cry, and try not to think of the craptastic day ahead.

I'm trying, cut me some slack

I find myself wondering why people like me... obviously I am mean, cruel, mouthy, rude, and have little to offer.

Or so they think.... I am a true friend, I try my hardest to give them my love, my ear, my heart. What more can I give? I need something for myself right?

I am sitting here crying, listening to a song I found that fits me perfectly...

No I am not perfect, yes I have a potty mouth, no I don't like to conform to your thoughts and opinions, yes I am who I am.

I ate a salad today for breakfast, I had some steamed asparagus for a snack, I am drinking my sugar free lemonade type water stuff... hell I even went on an angry power walk, listening to music that was pushing me forward, feeling like I was hurtling through time.

Is that enough? I dunno, but its gonna have to be...

I'm on a roll...

So I have walked 3 times this past week. I have eaten REALLY well. And I ended up losing 4 pounds so far. only 22 more to go!!! I am so super excited, I actually found myself obsessing about walking, I wanted to walk more, and more, and more. But sadly, I am having ALOT of pelvic, hip and calf pain. I am hoping that with doing my physical therapy next week will help me along. My goal is to walk EVERYDAY, unless its downpouring. I got a new cell phone and I put a bunch of MP3s on it. I found myself literally dancing/bouncing down the dirt road the other day <3 Teehee! I must have been quite the sight. But really, who gives a rats ass, I am doing this for myself and not for anyone else.

I was with my sister and bro in law to be the other day at the outlet mall in Williamsburg, and I realized that someday soon I could be wearing some of these cute clothes they sell there. I was literally squeeling within my brain! :) *giggles* I know that seems so weird to some, but to someone who has been thinner, and is now heavier, you know exactly what you are missing out on in the wardrobe part of your life.

I look forward the most to wearing the pretty bras from VS, or whatnot. Oh and to wear a pair of jeans that don't make me look like I have a penis would be SPECTACULAR!

Anyhow, thats my latest update. Not much to report, but for me, its been a great week!

And away we goooooooo!

So today I met with Dr. Maher. My first thought when I met him was, EGADS! This man scares me! :( He is a rather large and tall man, but he does have a sweet and kind demeanor. He was very wise, and had alot of real information. He did change one major thing.... I am no longer getting the Gastric Bypass Surgery, instead he is having me get the Gastric Sleeve Surgery.


The difference you ask? Well let me explain...

Gastic Bypass looks like this :

Basically during the GBS they cut the stomach, the intestines, and then reroute everything through a new way.











Gastric Sleeve looks like this :

Basically during the GSS they cut out 70 to 85% of the stomach and remove it. Nothing gets rerouted at all.

And because of the rerouting of the intestines, the malabsorption is greater...but see, I am not the normal girl in this world. I have Celiac's Disease. Which makes me already malabsorbed. So add in the malabsorption from the surgery, and I am screwed. So there you have it. I am now walking down the Gastric Sleeve Surgery path.

So there is one HUGE thing that I have to do before surgery. :( Get my fat ass down to 285 pounds. Did you read that?! Under 300 pounds?!? EGADS!!! Is it possible? For me to do this, I have to loose....*adds and subtracts and grumbles in her mind*..... Twenty-Six POUNDS! 2..6...POUNDS!!!! Can I do that?!?! :( Can I really do this? I am scared, I am petrified, I am... going to do it. I just need to figure out how.... Dr. Maher suggested doing the Weight Watchers Diet. I guess I could do that. It should be easy..right?

Oh hell, I think I will lose my mind before I lose the weight!

*sighs*

So here are my newest goals:

1. Get my fat ass movin!
2. Go cold turkey on any type of fizzy soda!
3. LOSE 26 POUNDS ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hi..remember me?

So here it is 2012, and I am finally updating my blog again. Things have been so crazy and out of wack. I am pursuing the gastric bypass surgery again through VCU. I have submitted my papers, got a call to meet with my surgeon, set up my psychological evaluation, and called my PCP to get information sent to the surgeons office.

I am SO.Freaking.READY!!!!

One of the reasons I am so gung ho on getting this done this time is because back in March I fell. It was horrible. From falling, to calling 911 and explaining that I am fat so send strong EMT's, to being picked up by 6 men, being taken to the ER and finding out that I really truely fubared my left leg and my pelvis. :( It was an eyeopening experience. If I had been alone, how would I have gotten to the phone, I couldn't even pick my own body up. I felt like dead weight. It was.... devastating. :(

I have decided that I need to lie through my teeth when it comes to my Psych. Eval. Well, sorta kinda. I know that I cannot be completely honest. Although this time around, I am not on the same medications, and I am ALREADY considered to have malabsorption!!

In other news, after going to the ER several times in the last few months, I think I have finally figured out what is wrong with me...well..with the help of Dr. McDonnell. Endometriosis.

So anyhow, this is where I stand in the land of this fat grrl. <3