Picking myself up again...

So here it is a few weeks since my last post. Just trucking along in life. Haven't been doing a spectacular job at keeping myself sane, but I am trying. I am eating healthier I think. And I am doing some little exercise here and there. I even worked a whole 2 days and then jumped ship quickly on that adventure.(more on that later)

BUT!!!!! I have lost 7 pounds. Go figure right? I really think the new meds they have me on are helping immensely. The cymbalta is helping my fibro pain alot, and its also suppressing my appetite. Which in itself is good when you have an eating disorder. oh yes, OA meetings seemed to have fallen off my calendar the last 2 weeks. I am just being lazy. Next tuesday, I swear I am going. They really did change my life.

Anyhow, theres so much more I want to post, but atm... I feel I said enough.

If anyone is still following this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Down...almost out...

Lately it seems that nothing goes right. Either Tofer is having a breakdown, DJ is in a slump, or that the money coming in goes out way too fast. Things are just so stressful right now that I find myself wanting to sleep more and more. My bed is my safe haven from all things bad. I can fall asleep and think about nothing, dream of good things, and worry about nothing.

I know this isnt healthy, but when I am awake, I find myself either wanting to eat, drink or just feel downright disgusted with my life. I know I dont have it that bad. But shit, I just want a break every now and then.

Going to the Overeaters Anonymous meeting really opened my eyes to my life. These people really and truely understood where I was coming from. I will say that I sat there at the table shaking my ass off because I was so nervous, scared, terrified and just plain in awe of the stories being presented before me. I really think this is something that could help change my life.

Today Tofer had a breakdown about school, its the first time I have ever seen DJ so upset about it. He literally was in tears. It scared the bejesus outta me. He is usually the strong one, hes my rock. But I guess everyone has a breaking point and DJ finally met his today. I wanted him to stay home with me today but he had too many important meetings. I thought maybe he just needed a break from life.

OA Meetings....

They are interesting..and I plan on going back for more.

Stress makes me eat....

And today is one of those days. I am scared outta my mind about getting the kids thier Xmas presents. :(

I need a job like yesterday. :( *Sighs softly* And here we are buying a house in March 2011.

Why must all my dreams go down the toilet?

Soul Searching...

So I have decided to do some serious soul searching. Is being skinny all its cracked up to be? Am I only wanting something that I think I want?

I have joined this site called Myfatsecret to help keep track of what I am eating, and how I am eating. So far its going slow and I skipped a couple days.

I have a problem with food. I want to eat it. I want to eat it in great amounts. Not just normal size portions. Like saturday for instance. Aimee took me to Wendy's for lunch. I had a crispy chicken sandwich, baked potatoe and chili, oh and a sweet tea. That was at 11am. Then at 2pm DJs parents took us to Wendy's and I got a small cobb salad with ranch dressing, a chicken sandwich and a sweet tea. So I technically ate 2 lunches that day. I knew what I Was doing, but I couldnt resist the yummyness that is Wendy's. :( WTF is wrong with me? I inhaled it and still was craving some chili. There has to come a point in your life when you have to step away from the table. Even if you are hungry right?

Last night I was proud of myself. I took a very small serving of dinner. And I tried to eat slow and put my fork down between bites.

I just want to be normal. But I guess that depends on what your definition of normal is. For me its a size 10/12. Thats my goal size. Right now I wear a 26/28 and the clothing is so expensive. I would love to go to Torrid, Roamons, Lane Bryant or Fashion Bug plus and spend about 500 bucks getting some new updated clothing. Sure, I get some good deals at the thrift store, but again, I feel like I am just getting hand me downs. There are also some boots I would love to get at Torrid, but you are looking at an arm and a leg for the same boots at Target that cost like 50 bucks less. :( Its totally frustrating. I want to be chick and cute. And instead I wear the same damn clothes over and over because its what I am comfy and can fit into without feeling like a sausage.

Frustrated? YES!!! I want to be pretty. I want to feel good. I want....too much.

New Goals....

~ Lose 9 pounds
~ Go to Overeater's Anon Saturday Morning, and Tuesday Evenings.
~ Walk around the house more, even if its 15 minutes a day.
~ buy a scale
~ Talk to Roxie daily and get her feedback
~ DRINK MORE FLUIDS!!!!!!

going nowhere fast

So I was denied my surgery for 6 months because of my psych eval. :( Not a happy camper.

Stalled....

Seems that I am at a standstill atm, waiting to see what my next steps are and I will go from there. Thinking I should call the Dr. office today to see where I stand.

Will keep you all updated as I am updated. :)

Thank you to the support system I have here. It means a great deal more than you know.


PS. been walking more. <3

giving in and giving up...

There are many days when I wonder why I am even doing this adventure.I sit and think about all that I have gone through,and all that I will go through and I wonder if I am strong enough for this.

There are so many roadblocks that keep popping up and its taking forever to get to the final step. :( Sometimes I just dunno about all of it.

I am wondering if this is normal. I sometimes feel so defeated.

Then I am reminded of why I want to do this. For my life. I need to get my life back. Just going up and down the stairs here at home is a chore that is totally embarassing.

Funny story: DJ and I were in the card shop looking at the halloween gear. Next year we wanna have a major halloween party. I found a costume that I totally adored. Problem: its a size 10/12. I bought it anyhow, it was only 5 bucks, and its inspiration to why I want to do this. I WILL GET INTO THAT !!!!!! if not, then I will squeeze whatever squishy bits I have into it and horrify my friends :) muhahahaha!!!

At any rate, i am in this for the long run. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest. I guess this is the place for it I suppose :)

Mental what?

*giggles* So I finally got to my Psych. Evaluation. It went SPLENDIDLY!!! If only this therapist was closer to home, I would see her on a regular basis for sure!!!

We talked about everything and nothing. She was down to earth and really listened to me when I said that instead of eating when depressed, I sleep. She just nodded and said, "understood". Thankfully I finally got someone who would understand wtf I was saying.

I didn't sugar coat anything, I was upfront and honest. I think it went REALLY well.

I am supposed to go back next week to do a test of some sorts. :P But I am going to have to cancel cause DJ needs the car. Oh well, whats another week?!?! :)

Pre-Op wellness and fitness class...

So on Thursday, July 22nd, I went to just one of the many preop classes I need to go to. I dropped off DJ, dropped off the kids and headed through the tunnel to get to SNGH in Norfolk. I got there about 2 hours before my class because I was hoping to get in the lab and get my pre-op blood work, EKG, and Xray done. Thankfully, I had 10 minutes to spare to get to my class and I was done with yet another thing.

The class was interesting, we went through stretching, warm-ups, cardio and strength training. :) It was very informative. They gave us free pedometer's, free dumbbells, and a whole lotta information :)

Something else I accomplished that day was getting over one of my biggest fears ever. Going to the other peninsula by myself. Let's just say that I am not a big fan of Norfolk. I find it dirty, scarey, and just downright frightening. This only happened after I was held up at gunpoint in 2007. Anytime we go that way, I have PTSD and freak out internally. I am much more relaxed when DJ is with me, because he's my protector :D

Oh, before I forget, they called me friday with my bloodwork results. My Vitamin D is slightly low, and my TSH levels are out of this world. A normal person's thyroid is between 0.04 and 4.0. Mine is at 26.5. :( Not good. So they want me to get into my PCP and get on a higher dose of meds. :( This is going to delay me at least another month. But I did go to Sam's club and bought the big bottle of Vitamin D, and Calcium tablets. HOLY COW, calcium pills are GIGANTIC!!! *giggles* I didn't know if I could even swallow the suckers!!!

At any rate, I am moving in the right direction. Let's just hope it keeps going that way :)

Depression + Stress = Killer

So Thursday morning around 3am I woke up with a tightness in my chest. I also got up and vomited, sat up sipping some water, and then finally got back into bed. Only to have the pain in my chest worsen bringing me to tears. Finally around 5:30 DJ and I got up and made the decision to get me to the ER.

So off we went. We arrived around 6:30am and I had been crying almost nonstop from home to the hospital. I realized I was completely and utterly depressed. I still am, but am slowly working on that...sometimes.

Anyhow, 7 hours later, 2 EKG's, 2 Sets of blood work, a chest Xray, some fluids, some meds they let me leave with an unknown diagnoses basically. They recommend I get a stress test done soon. Just to be safe. While I was there, my BP dropped to 90/45, my pulse was in the low 50's, and my oxygen lvl dropped to the point that they put me on the nose thingy for oxygen. That stuff is harsh. :(

They gave me some scripts for xanax, and told me to relax as much as possible. HA! Yeah right. I am so upset, because we had to cancel my Psych. Eval. and now I am not sure if I am blackballed or not. :( I am totally tripping out over this.

At any rate...life moves on... I am still alive...and I am still stressed out. Let's hope this coming week is much better.

Giving it up....

So last week was the last time I had a diet coke here at home. DJ bought me a really nice iced tea maker, and some splenda packets from Sam's Club, so I am brewing my own at home.

I know that after the surgery, fizzy drinks are out. So I figured I better get used to it now. Its hard, cause diet coke was a staple of my daily routine. I am also trying to add more water to my diet. This part is the hardest due to the fact that I HATE water. Blegh.

I go for my Psych. Evaluation on Thursday with Dr. Lynch, I am hoping that she doesn't see through to the real me, and denies me the chance to save my life. Sometimes though smiling all the time makes me literally sick to my stomach. When you are sick and tired all the time, you just sorta plaster a grin on and move forward day to day.

Today I am feeling extremely at odds with my emotions. I am hoping that after the move, and after the surgery. I can finally start living the life I want.

Sharing my fat for the world to see!

So I went to my consult, had a fantastic visit, and found out I only weigh in at 322. I guess that is a plus :) At any rate, I have a ton of appointments to make and go to. Last night I went to my first one, it was a support group for preop patients. :) I had a good time, and learned ALOT of things. My next appt. will be for the Psych Evaluation. That should be mighty interesting. :P Anyhow, at my visit, they did this thing on me. You strip down, get in this black booth and get flashed by lights. It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced!!! But anyhow, the picture is posted to the right. Yes, those are my measurements. Yes I am fat. Get over it! :) I get 5 of these nifty pictures. I look forward to seeing how much my body changes!!!

4th of July Pic

This is me, at my heaviest. 335 pounds. I wear a size 26/28 or bigger. And I have a BMI of.... 59.3

I have never really shared my weight in public before. So this is a huge step. I also might be off a few pounds. Tomorrow at my appt. I am sure they will do a weightin.

Are we there yet?!?!?!

Tuesday just cannot come fast enough :( Seem's to be taking forever. I was looking through my closet today and realized if I lose even 50 pounds in the next few months, nothing is going to fit me anymore *squeeeeels* But then I realized that meant my bras were probably going to need replacing too and then I got blegh! :P

Mood: Happy and yet thinking of my momma today
Energy: Okay, but would really like to take a nap
Exercise: Does walking around the house count?

The first day of the rest of my life....

ok so not really :P Tuesday is actually. :) I go for my gastric bypass surgery consult. I already know I am a candidate, I already know my insurance will pay. I just need to get there. :P

I have to be there at 9:30am. My appt. is at 10am. :) I am so excited, and yet scared at the same time.*giggles* Does that make any sense?!

Starting tomorrow night, I will post some pics of myself. My measurements, and weight, and my feelings for the day.

I accept any type of criticism, but please do me a favor. Don't lecture me about the surgery. I know the pros, I know the cons, I know the danger. But this is MY life. So respect that. :)